That magic moment

My path from dreams of a family and finding the one to the world falling apart. Will we ever have kids?

I always wanted to have a family. I simply knew, that when I meet a right person everything will fall into places. I am by far not a person, whose only dreams were to get married and be a mom. I am very ambitious and goal oriented and therefore I had my carrier on the top of my priorities for quite a while. I was working like crazy, achieving really good results and gaining recognition for that. However, when I met THE ONE for me, everything changed. I realized that working is not the only thing that fulfils me and makes me happy. Luckily for me, I was his special one and so our story began.

We all have some big and special moments, which stay in memory for the rest of our lives … For me, one such moment was the conversation about having kids together. We were traveling to Prague and out of nowhere, while standing on the bridge we started a conversation about our future, family, and kids. We were totally in love with each other and it was not even long into the relationship, but suddenly, out of the blue, we both admitted that we wouldn’t mind at all having a child together …

At that time, we had a distance relationship as we were living in two different countries. However, since that discussion, we didn’t have any protection and were actively trying to conceive. We were trying for about a year. No luck. I was saying to myself that this is simply due to the distance relationship and irregular sex that we used to have.

So we decided to finally solve the geographical issue of our relationship and we moved together to a new place. We started building a new life in a new country. Now I was convinced that having a baby is a matter of months … But once again, trying from one month to another did not get us anywhere. Yet we did not really refer to this as a problem. For me, the fact that the stick never became blue was a silent disappointment … With my love, we focused on other things, like traveling and discovering new places and cultures. In between, we bought a house and 2 dogs. So, on the outside, everything looked fine. Not just fine, it looked great! But … when you look deeper, both of us were getting somehow devastated that we cannot have a child, even though we love each other entirely. Like that we have spent another 2 years.

By then the majority of our friends were already enjoying parenthood or were expecting. That brought additional the social pressure on us and all the people were asking questions, like: “What are you guys waiting for?”, “When can we expect to be grandparents?”, “Why don’t you work on it?” and etc.

It became unbearable and that was the moment when we finally admitted that we should go and get tested. Of course, I was going to all regular checkups, where my gynecologist always sad to me that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about. But now we decided to seek a professional opinion from an infertility specialist. We insisted on both of us getting tested. You may think that by now we should be expecting a bad outcome. That somehow, after all these years of trying it should be clear, that there is some kind of a problem. But no. Despite all the time, the infertility diagnosis hit both of us unexpectedly. I guess you are simply never ready to hear something like that … because even if you have doubts about your fertility status when you hear the diagnosis out loud for the first time, it slams you and swipes you off of your feet.

It may be wrong to speak for both of us as one, as we really processed this information differently. However, we both went through the standard path of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance phases before we moved forward.

The first came the denial. For a while, we stopped thinking about children like it was simply never our common desire. Strangely, we didn’t look for another opinion. We were considering that the fact that we can not have kids might be a mistake after all. We also started to joke about it, as if it wasn’t our story.

After that came the anger phase. Why us? Why did we deserve it? What did we do wrong? It simply did not seem fair. It felt very wrong and undeserved … Yes, we had several big fights, we tried to find a guilty one, someone to blame for what was going on … But in reality, no one was actually responsible for this. Personally, at that time, I was feeling uncomfortable around babies, as it was a reminder of something I might never have.

Bargaining phase was quick and rather calm, simply everytime we used to make a wish (on a shooting star, or a fallen eyelash or anything else) having a child was THE WISH. We went to light candles to a church even though we are not really religious people. We were hoping for some miracle or greater power to help us.

Of course, the major phase for me was depression. By nature, I am not really an optimistic person. I was feeling powerless: “Will I never be able to enjoy a pregnancy nor motherhood?” I cried a lot and I was very emotional and sensitive about all baby topics. At one point I really started to avoid even my closest friends in order to have my peace. I did not want to hear any baby related question.

But thanks to my husband I managed to get out of that dragging feeling. He simply didn’t let me fall into it too deep. Of course, he also dealt with depression phase on his own, but he was the one, who finally said: “Ok, we have a problem, we just need to find a solution!” That was the moment when we admitted that we have a problem and there is no point in hiding behind it or neglect it. We simply go forward with our dreams and find the way to make it happen.

From that point on we knew we will have to undergo some kind of treatment. We also knew that we are not willing to give up on our dreams of being parents and that was our resolution for the journey of infertility treatment.

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