Getting over the corona blues and the burnout

It was a long dreading unexpected slump. I wasn’t even aware that I was in a slump until I got of it. It was like climbing uphill all the time thinking that I am pedaling on a plateau, and it was only when I am racing down the downhill that I finally realized, crap, I was pedaling uphill with the highest gear setting all the time. After 4+ months of sluggish slump, now I feel light and energized again, and begin to hold hopes of building momentum to tackle the uphills.

I am very self-aware (at least I try to be). I reflect my productivity, happiness, and wellbeing periodically, and adjust my schedules and plans accordingly. I am a huge opponent of power of habit, so whenever the productivity drops or I feel unhappy, I devise a new plan to introduce a new habit to my routine. Since we are amid especially hard times, I constantly asked myself whether I am okay, and I answered myself “I am fine, totally fine”. I slept normal, I ate normal. I didn’t have negative thoughts. In fact, I was so privileged that I didn’t have to worry about having any implications due to Covid19 — I didn’t have health issues, I have a secure job, I am not a caregiver. I thought I *should* be fine, but in reality, I wasn’t.

Perhaps I felt guilty for being so safe and sound. I felt selfish caring about my own sanity — my biggest challenge of the day was preparing 3 meals for myself — while others were fighting for pandemic and coping with dire situations. I felt guilty, perhaps because it was the only measure to compensate for my morality without taking any action. But instead of taking real action, I put layers of pressure on myself that I should be thankful and that I should be fine.

Instead, I should have been kinder to myself. I could have reassured myself that it is okay to take care of personal wellbeing first, and then reach out to give help to the community. I should have realized that feeling guilty is a natural emotion, and it means that my moral ideals are not satisfied with my current behavior, and I have plenty of chance to make a different choice afterwards. But instead, I ignored my discomfort and negative emotions, and pushed myself to the brink by enforcing stricter rules and disciplines. By end of June, I didn’t have any mental capability (or will power) left, and my controlling ego went on to strike. What does this mean? A total burn out. I didn’t want to do anything.

I cannot really pinpoint the single point of failure how this happened. Instead, it was a cascade of events which triggered one failure after another. The failure wasn’t obvious. It happened so slowly, and because the system was failing one by one without any warning signals, I didn’t recognize that I have no momentum left to drive me up, until the entire system failed and stopped. I failed to recognize that my inner power was shut down completely.

I was struggling to fight back my control over my life (which most of the part I didn’t have any control over, like indefinite shelter in place) in a wrong way. In the process of trying to gain back control, I drained my mental energy, and eventually it caused the burn-out. What did I do wrong exactly?

- I did a good job in recognizing that my work productivity started to drop in the beginning of the shelter in place. As usual, I tried to bring the productivity back up by implementing harsh schedule and using will-powers to abide by it, which was a very valuable resource I had to reserve during indefinite lock-down.
- I didn’t take care of my diet properly. Sure I checked my calorie intake to not gain weight, but I neglected the importance of nutrition and the pleasure of eating good hearty meal.
- I stocked up lots of sugary foods for snacking. However, having stock pile up of snacks at home isn’t something normally that I am accustomed to, and resisting the temptation to have them took another huge chunk of my willpower.
- Even just sitting still at the desk took a lot of mental effort — at work, it was easier cause we mirror others and follow their behaviors. Same goes with exercising, when you go to a gym or take group classes, you mirror others. Outside of the routinely habit loop, normal activities became extraordinary which required extra willpower. And on top of that, for all activities I failed to do, I felt incredibly guilty and incompetent
- I and my partner normally met during weekends and seldom in weekdays before shelter in place. This stayed on for a while during the first phase of shelter in place. In the beginning of lock-down, I was overwhelmed of the uncertainty of the pandemic, and wanted to see him more often, whereas he wasn’t affected by it (yet). I felt neglected and longed for more caring and tension grew as I got more frustrated and emotional. The relationship was shaking.
- I wasn’t sleeping well, getting to bed late and waking up super early.
- I was staying indoor most of the time.

Well, lots of things weren’t working, I diagnosed. I knew from my past experience that increasing exposure to sunlight drastically improves your sleep and positivity. Therefore I started out plans to improve my wellbeing by adding more outdoor time/exercise after work, cutting down snacks completely, limiting coffee intake, trying to schedule more friends gathering online, going to my partner’s place more often during weekdays, and doing more groceries and spending more time to think how to eat healthy. How brilliant I am, I thought. I devised a solid plan of attack, and I’d be back on track with soaring productivity. Instead, this was recipe for disaster.

I used up my mental energy periodically to check on myself and to create all these schedules and rules that were so granular which was hard to track and hard to stick to. But I continued revising the plans when I miss the mark, thinking that it takes time to build new habits. However, what I was overseeing was my mental energy (willpower, some say) was a very limited resource, and every time I adjusted the plan and exerted my will to abide by it, I was draining off the reservoir of my wills. And besides, the new way of living in COVID19-era took away a lot of the mental energy already, so I should have been cautious that I am not a robot who can follow the logic strictly and can change the course of action when the logic changed.

The more I was micro-managing my day to day activities and habits, my mind was focusing on unimportant tasks and trying to optimize if possible which in reality didn’t worth that much of my attention before COVID-19:

- What to eat. When/where to go grocery: This had a huge toll on me since I am not used to preparing meals for myself 3 times a week plus some snacks. I thought this was necessary since I wanted to eat healthy and lean. Also I had to make sure fresh ingredients in the fridge to not go wasted, and even at the grocery I’d be wasting time on overwhelming choices of items, like whole milk vs 2% milk.
- What NOT to eat: Limit sugar intake, since it spikes blood sugar level. Limit caffeine intake, since I won’t be able to sleep well at night. Limit snacking, since it will make me dull and I won’t be able to focus. Before COVID-19 lock down, I didn’t have a refrigerator/pantry full of foods so I didn’t really have to practice resisting temptation for food. For me, home was not a place to eat at all. Now, on top of thinking what to eat, I had to practice not eating.
- When to exercise, how to exercise: Normally, I’d fulfill my daily activity by riding bike to work during weekdays and riding snowboard/climbing during weekends. Now, I had to squeeze in time for some “exercise” in my daily routine. I started to plan, what would be the best medium for the exercise? Jogging? Riding bikes? Bootcamp classes?
- Spending time uselessly on internet shopping catalogs (which I’d end up not buying), future travel plans (that isn’t going to happen any time soon), how-tos for being productive ( instead of being productive), GLO yoga catalog (rather than doing yoga myself), or how-tos on eating healthy (rather than cooking).

Ta da, as you can see, I was drilling down to plan things that weren’t really necessary, and depleted mental energy wasn’t being restored quick enough because of shelter-in-place. Lock down might be a wrong target to blame, in fact:

- I wasn’t setting any boundaries between work & relax, there was no getting off work nor weekends. I was constantly in a mixed state of mind of being half at work and half at home.
- I wasn’t able to afford to meet with friends offline as much as I wanted to
- I was limiting outdoor activities

A huge elephant in the room that I am avoiding to discuss here is work related matters. All I can say is, the way objectives were set contributed to a huge motivation loss. Without a burning deadline and no clear goals at work, I was starting to ask myself, why do I have to crunch meaningless hours of work in front of laptop, for whose glory? The answer to this question was always obvious for me. I’d put hours of work not for the company and not for the money, but for myself, to learn and grow to a better talented intellectual. But at this moment, I was like, “f*** self growth, I am done with it”. Uh oh, this is the time that I realized that something was wrong. A value, an inner compass that steers and directs me, was broken. So for the first time in 4 months, I decided to hit a pause and take a break instead of squeezing out another will-power.

I took a week off from work. I was planning for a Yosemite backpacking trip in the upcoming weekends, so it was a perfect time to take a week off. Otherwise I’d had have to cram for preparation while working and I would be exhausted even more after the trip. Instead, I rested and prepared myself for backpacking. I also spent time studying about the oddness in the economy and the stock market (How can it perform so strong when the world is pandemic and the employment rate is over 10%. Aren’t we officially in depression?) and other topics that lured my attention.

The backpacking was great. I think it was the number one contributor that revived me. Ironically, it was physically the most grueling time ever, hours of long walks with 35L backpack, hiking up 5000ft elevation mountain. It wasn’t relaxing in any means. I didn’t even have energy to look around and appreciate the beauty of surrounding nature. My gaze was fixated to the ground, and my legs were treading endlessly following periodic rhythm that felt unnatural. We were mildly anxious because our survivor in the wilderness depended on keeping things on track — getting to the resting point in time before sunset, checking water reservoir constantly not to run out of water, finding water streams, watching out for bears, looking out for camp-posts, etc.

The best thing about the backpacking trip was that most of the times I was so tired that I couldn’t think of anything. Literally my mind was empty — a true meditative state that I never actually experienced during meditation. I could forget about all minuscule concerns that were bugging my mind constantly for past months. Most of the time I was awake, I walked. Remainder of the times, I spent focusing on basic needs — eating, washing myself, and finding a place to sleep.

First day, we were set off for the uphill climb. I honestly thought we wouldn’t be able to complete the 30 mile loop. I wanted to go home immediately just after about 2 hour hike, and it was at the top of my tongue to throw the towel. I couldn’t give up because of teeny tiny bit of responsibility I had — I planned for the trip. It required more gut and energy to spell out loud “I want to go home” to my partner than just keep walking, which kept me going. Second day was much more manageable than the first one. The uphill climb was mostly done, we were accustomed to the elevation and the weather, and we knew what to expect of the wilderness.

After 3 days of scorching sun and long miles of walk, we were finished. We won a small victory over a fight within ourself. We came back home with relief that we were finally done and we can go back to human society where we can splurge basic amenities like toilet paper. But also, we came back home with a sincere appreciation and gratitude for what we are given and a sense of accomplishment that we haven’t felt for a long time. I could feel that something changed within me.

It was a surprising irony. Through the most grueling, challenging endeavor, I recharged. My body was aching, and by any means the backpacking trip was nothing like a meditation retreat — we walked 10 hours a day with heavy backpack eating freeze dried backpacking meals for three days and my shoulders and knees were aching. However, I was energized and nourished more than ever. What can I take away from this experience? How can I apply it to my day to day life? In reflection:

- For the most time, I really didn’t think about anything. My mind was empty. This is when I realized I had too much burden on my mind every day for even smallest tiniest unimportant matter (should I drink oat-milk latte or regular-milk latte?)
- If I have time to doubt myself whether I can do it or can’t do it, I should just do it. I was way more capable than I thought. Often I was too soft on myself giving up easily. I made schedules that I’d never stick more than a couple days and would then go on to make adjustments. I promised to write but never did. I had to set “realistic goals” and more importantly, “stick” to them.
- A sense of accomplishment gives you the momentum to accomplish more. I needed this, and to do this, I have to make “small wins” for myself to make myself pride and happy.

The key take away was i) simplify and focus on the most important matters, ii) stick to the plan if the plan exists, iii) make small wins to feel a sense of accomplishment often.

- What are my priorities? Learning new things and feeling a sense of growth every day at work & building trust and love with my partner. Beyond the priorities, I had to minimize every effort that goes into. I chose to try out subscription services as much as I can — Freshly, for cooking. Thrive, for grocery. Trade coffee for coffee beans, bar & cocoa for my daily snacks. This cut down overwhelming pools of options to consuming what is delivered to home.
- In addition, I had to limit my mind from wandering off and trying to optimize just about anything — from what to eat for weekends to where the progress for COVID19 vaccines stand. It required constant practice to take off my mind from the nonessential topics.
- I sold my piano. It didn’t spark joy; rather it brought me uncomfortable guilt. I didn’t have enough time to practice to be a great piano player as I aspired to be, and it was holding space in my tiny bedroom. I’d have to prioritize and focus on few hobbies that I’d like to pursue deeply, and let go of others. I can’t do everything. I decided to give farewell to my piano.
- Make small wins, and celebrate them.
- In order to stick to the plans (instead of breaking them and guilt tripping me), I had to first stop making stupid little rules. For example, I had this rule of “don’t drink coffee more than once a day”. I was worried about not being able to sleep at night but it was more the “anxiety” that I drank coffee that kept me at night rather than actually the “caffeine” in act. I had to let go all restrictions and give myself some autonomy and room for breath.
- How can I not plan for exercise but exercise effectively? Luckily I had two weekly workout sessions scheduled with friends already. It was easy to stick to it because of peer pressure and mirroring effect. To take the benefit of the long backpacking hikes, I’d decide to stick to doing long exercise once a week which is less tense and doesn’t require a burst of energy.

My very first goal after the determination was bike riding to Sausalito. I made across the golden gate bridge a few times but never to Sausalito. I did make attempt a few times before, but failed to push myself to pedal 20–30 additional minutes from the golden gate bridge. I was worried that I might not be able to make home back cause the downhills to Sausalito looked so daunting. I made excuses that my legs weren’t strong enough to pedal the hill back up. Guess what, this time, I pulled it off, and the climbed back with ease. I was after all creating a false hurdle that could be easily overcome. Another small win, and added momentum! I really had to trust myself that I can do it.

Also, during the break, I read two amazing books called “the making of a manger” and “becoming”. They are both written by amazing female leaders who were very relatable — although they were at least a 10 fold established and magnificent — and these two books helped me to climb out of the slump hill. By hearing stories of two wonderful women how they recognized and overcome their own weaknesses, I started to dream again. I aspired that I wanted to become like such women. They gave me hope. If they managed to run their careers with two kids, why can’t I who only have my sake to take care of? I just needed better strategy, right?

I needed a strategy that would work out, and that I can stick to, that would give me a sense of accomplishment along the way. I devised a (hopefully a final) rule:

- Rule number one. Set the BOUNDARIES for work and home. No more, “uh, I will finish this after dinner” or “I can put some time during the weekends”. Reserve weekends and dinner time for reading books, doing restorative yoga/mediation, browsing instagram or webtoons, watching movies/documentaries, browsing houses, reading about any interesting articles from economy to culture, or doing work which is NOT part of regular paid work. In other words, reversely, these all translate into don’t spend working hours on doing non-work related activity/chores. During work hours, focus on work.
- Rule number two. Stop browsing online shopping catalogs sporadically. Buying un-necessary items here and there and then scheduling time to return them takes too much effort and time. Make a list of items that you need to buy, and then if you really need them, either i) make a trip to the shop or ii) do online shopping for them at designated time in weekends. Stop doing random online shopping and browsing for hours.
- Rule number three. Emptying mind takes practice. If you find yourself optimizing/planning for something that is not really important, stop it immediately.
- Rule number four. Take a long hike/bike ride/walk once a weekend, and feel the victory of accomplishing it.
- Rule number five. Don’t add any more rules to this.

Getting myself back on track is still on progress. I haven’t mastered the perfect strategy of prioritization and focus; I am far away from building boundaries of work and life; and I am only slowly ramping up my productivity. Still, I feel much better. I now have energy to aspire for longer term values and goals. I finally have mental energy to reflect where I stand in terms of my career progress, devise how I’d like to continue developing myself, and assess my strength and weaknesses and where to put more emphasis on developing myself. I wouldn’t hastily conclude that I’d recovered fully, but I think I’d be okay for the rest of pandemic times.

But if I am wrong and if I feel like a failure again, future me, please I advise you so not to follow the path to disaster as I did before. Even though I don’t meet your standard, don’t stress my future me and please be kind to her. You would probably try to make rules and plans to control the life that is spiraling outwards. Please don’t, it is a false sense of control which does more harm than goods. Sometimes in life, there are things that you can’t control, and in those times, you should rather give yourself some time off. Instead of trying to keep 10 different things in control, instead, focus on one thing that you can accomplish, stick to it, and feel the sense of victory. Prioritize and focus is the key, and accomplishment is the momentum that will keep you going.

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