I Taught Myself to Leave Dishes in the Sink

Coping with OCD and anxiety isn’t easy.

“Come on, Catie. Just wash the pot!”

I could feel the anxiety rising into my chest from my stomach and slowly spreading its way outwards. It rushed over my shoulders and down my arms, constricting my body like a hungry snake. I stared at the pot, covered in cheese and bits of macaroni. I could see every ooze and drip. I could see how awful the soapy sponge was going to feel in my anxious hands.

There was no way I could bring myself to touch any of it.

I had been clearing dishes from the kitchen table one night early on in high school, a task that should have been easy enough. I left them on the counter so my mom could wash the excess food off of them before putting them in the dishwasher. What the point of a dishwasher is if you’re going to clean the dishes yourself first, I’ll never know.

My mom made a comment about how I could just wash the food off myself. I probably could have managed my own food, but not all the plates were mine. I tried to explain how other people’s half-eaten food made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t know how to fully explain the feeling. I didn’t fully understand it myself. The explanation that came out of my mouth definitely didn’t land the way I’d hoped it would.

Based on how I’d phrased it, my mom probably thought I was just being lazy or spoiled, and so she held out a pot and demanded I clean it. My brother was in the room and egged her on the way brothers do, teasing me about not being able to wash one pot.

I stared at the pot on the verge of tears until finally, my mom gave up. She didn’t understand and I didn’t know how to explain it, because I didn’t get it either. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) comes in a lot of different forms. It’s not just about wanting to keep things clean. After I was diagnosed, my mom used to tease me that my room shouldn’t be so cluttered if I have OCD. It’s a common misconception that the main trait of OCD is keeping yourself and your surroundings clean. In reality, it’s a little more complicated than that.

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