On Sexual Liberation

My understanding of sexual liberation is the freedom to express yourself sexually, the state of being free from restrictive sexual inhibitions placed on us by society.

In very simple terms, it is deciding to be intentional with your body, choosing to have or not to have sex (amongst other things), doing as you deem fit as long as you aren’t harming anybody, including yourself. For me, it also means unlearning the shame associated with having, enjoying, or talking about sex especially as a woman.

Purity culture is based on teachings that purity in mind and body is to be idealized above all else. It transcends Christianity as well as other faith circles. One of the core tenants of purity culture is the teaching that there are two kinds of girls and women: those who are “pure” and those who are ‘impure’.

Purity culture teaches us that women’s bodies are shameful. Our bodies are to be hidden and the intricacies of it are not to be talked about because it’s a thing of shame. One of the many ways this plays out is the hush-hush tone used around conversations concerning women’s bodies and the ever increasing number of (unnecessary) euphemisms for words like ‘vagina’ or ‘penis’. Religion upholds the patriarchy by enforcing purity culture which leads to the policing of our bodies and sexuality.

At some point in my life, I used to sneer at people who chose not to be sexually active and very self-righteously thought they were better than people who were. I don’t do that anymore because I realize that liberation gives you a choice, to do or not to do, as long as that’s what you’re comfortable with. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing not to be sexual as long as that decision is one not made out of shame and a culture that does more harm than good. It pushes abstinence but also shames those who do not choose this.

I think I unlearnt most of the shame I felt when I decided not to be a Christian anymore. It was a very freeing experience. There’s no guilt anymore, no feeling of condemnation when I think about sex, no shame at all when I think of the number of sexual partners I have had (35, if you’re curious).

Unlearning shame starts with the little things. For example, not feeling bad after having oral or taking away “He wants sex but I can’t give it to him” from your vocabulary because your body is not something to be given out.

If all of this is too much for you, all I want you to take away is this:

In your freedom to choose whatever it is you want with your body, let your decision not be made out of shame. Make your decision bearing in mind that your body is not a gift to anyone. It is not a prize for your spouse on your wedding bed. It is not a temple for any god to dwell in neither is it for you to give nor for anyone to take.

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